Many polyamorous relationships follow a "primary/secondary" model, in which one couple, the "primary" relationship, supercedes other "secondary" relationships. (It's also possible for a relationship to have multiple primaries and multiple secondaries; the difference between a "primary" and a "secondary" often is most directly connected to matters such as time, priorities, finances, physical cohabitation, and so on.)
In this model, the core couple (or group) may have certain rights and privileges (such as cohabitation, sharing mortgages or childrearing, and so on) that are not afforded to secondaries.
Not everyone is well-suited to being a secondary. Secondaries sometimes can not expect their relationship to meet all their needs; their role may be circumscribed by rules designed to protect the safety and security of the primary relationship.
If your true desire/need is to have (and be) a primary partner, but the only relationship your lover can offer is of a secondary nature, then you should probably figure out whether you can be happy in that role either temporarily or permanently.
For instance, it may be possible for the relationship to evolve into a primary (or co-primary) form over time -- but that does take time, and during that process, you will have to find a way to make peace with a role that is more secondary than you might prefer.
It's also possible that the relationship won't ever evolve out of secondary status -- is that something the you will be able to be happy with? It's very important for anyone entering a romantic relationship as a secondary to think carefully, and understand fully, what his or her expectations are--what is necessary for you to be happy, and will your relationship be able to give you that?
Also, if you are getting involved as a secondary with a person who has an existing primary relationship where some form of veto power is in effect, you should probably figure out whether you can live with the possibility of having an important relationship ended by a third party.
What are your expectations and limits, as a secondary? At what point would you have to admit that the relationship is not meeting your needs and not healthy? Are you hanging around mainly hoping that circumstances will change, or can you find a way to accept and embrace the situation as it exists? What rules are in place which govern your secondary status, and what are these rules designed to protect? These are all things you're well-advised to consider.
The best tool you have as a secondary partner is information. One of the defining characteristics of a secondary relationship is a power differential, and it's vital to understand how that power differential will manifest itself in your relationship. As a secondary partner, your needs may not be given the same weight as those of the primary partners, but that does not mean that your needs are not important. It also does not mean that your needs should be disregarded by the primary couple. It is up to you to decide where your limits are, what needs are non-negotiable, and what you want to get out of your relationship. Bring these things to the table, and all the relationships involved will be healthier.
Coming into a secondary relationship, it's important to know not just what the rules, guidelines and limitations are, but why they were created. What function do they serve? What is being protected? Sometimes rules are set up to protect insecurities the primary couple isn't even aware of. It's important that everyone understands what all the rules and boundaries are, and what they are for. Two secondary relationships can have the same rules, but the reasons behind the rules can make an enormous difference in the experience of the secondary partner.
When the core relationship originally set the guidelines, what was the motivation behind the guidelines? Was it primarily to make one or all partners feel safe? Safe how? What is it that is threatened by other relationships? What is it that they are trying to protect? The rules are frequently set up in an effort to preserve the form of the primary relationship as it exists before additional relationships are added. They may try to preserve it to the point that they do not treat their secondary relationships ethically.
What are the reasons for the primary / secondary division? Are they primarily practical, or emotional?
- The secondary/primary partners don't live together and their lives don't allow them to spend a regular enough amount of time together to meet primary needs
- The relationship is new and hasn't progressed enough to form a primary commitment
- There are children involved or something else that creates demands on time that is non-negotiable
- There are is some kind of upheaval (custody battle, financial issues, family illness) that requires too much attention or resources to allow for a primary relationship
- There simply isn't enough time or resources for a primary relationship
- The people in the primary relationship believe that the rules will keep their relationship safe
- There was some kind of violated trust in the past, and the rule is in place to keep that from happening again
- The primary couple wishes to remain special to each other in some kind of tangible way
- To guarantee that in the event there are problems, the primary relationship gets the most attention
- They are afraid that without definition, their relationship will end, or change in undesirable ways
- To preserve the majority of sexual, financial, companionship, and time resources for the primary partnership
- The relationship may be long-distance, and thus may not allow the people involved to spend the same amount of time together that one might normally associate with a primary relationship
- The people involved want a relationship without the level of practical hassles or practical concerns typically involved in a primary relationship
- The people involved want a fairly light or casual relationship
- The relationship is successful as it is but the people involved have reason to believe it might not be at a primary level
Find out what you can expect from the relationship and what is expected of you. Is it possible that you can ever be a primary? How much of your relationship, companionship and sexual needs can you expect to have met? If there are problems in the secondary relationship, can you expect that resources will be dedicated, even if it takes resources away from the primary relationship?
How are you viewed as a secondary partner? Are you someone who is seen as a beneficial part of the lives of the primary partners? Are you seen as someone who is ultimately competition and needs to be kept within certain boundaries?
Are you seen as someone who is part of the family or someone who needs to stay outside the family?
In many cases, each person in the primary relationship has a different view on what guidelines should be in place and why. They each have a different agenda, different priorities, and different insecurities. Sometimes the rules are different for each partner. No matter how different their views are, it is up to them to come up with a compromise that works for both of them, and present those definitions, guidelines and rules as a unified front. If you are getting different ideas about what the rules are from each partner, then gently remind them that they aren't being fair to you and need to do a little more work.
A primary partner cannot love a secondary partner, or cannot love a secondary partner as much
The problem with this premise is that it isn't really possible to stop yourself from falling in love or control how much you love. You either do or you don't. If you don't, things work out fine. If you do, then it can cause a lot of trauma to all relationships involved. What this rule suggests is that the only way the primary couple believes they can preserve their love, is to prevent any other love. It criminalizes love, and isn't really what polyamory is about.
The secondary relationship is completely separate
Usually you'll get something like this when the primary couple is insecure about the whole poly thing and doesn't want to have to think or look to hard at what it means. One of the ways they avoid looking at it, is to make rules that keep the secondary relationship separate from their lives. Big red flag: If you are dating one half of the primary couple, and the other half won't meet you.. run away! The person you are dating is either cheating, or their partner is extremely insecure with what they are doing.
Both primary partners must be involved in some or all aspects of the secondary relationship
This might be as far reaching as 'you have to date both of us, or if you date one person, both people must be there'. Or it can be more specific such as 'both primary partners must be there if there is any sexual contact'. This suggests that the primary couple is prone to jealousy and insecurity, and I don't think this is the healthiest way to address that. This can be a way of controlling the relationship, and can make it difficult to establish healthy relationships of any depth.
