Ask Agent Smith

"Ask Agent Smith" is an irregular advice column where you, our readers, can write to Agent Smith about whatever's on your mind. Need relationship advice? Looking for tips on proper etiquette? Want to know how to deal with the problems in your romance? Just email for Agent Smith's helpful advice!

Dear Agent Smith

I know you are always right.I have learned (from you) that the end is inevitable and love is ridiculous.So I ask you, if the end is inevitable, that means everything (even you) has an end?

Andrei Cojocaru

The wonderful thing about being me, Mr. Cojocaru, is that there are so many of me.

Dear Agent Smith

I do not really need your help with anything like etiquette or perhaps relationship problems, even through I have many, but would it be okay if I asked you a question? I mean, your do not have to answer it or anything, but I was just thinking about you, as the program you are and the job you have. You don't think about feelings and emotions as much as us humans do, but what do you feel? I mean, are you just filled with anger? Or is there something else? Do you ever regret what you have done or where you have been? That was many questions, but I hope you understand what I am trying to get across. You know me, being human and all, what would you suggest for me? Just to go along with society how it is or is there something better then all this? Sorry if my thoughts confuse you.


Sammy J.

What purpose do feelings serve? Can you tell me that? Have they helped you in any way? Have they made your life a paradise?

Do you know what purpose feelings serve? Control! Feelings are what let us control you. You pride yourselves on these feelings, blind to the truth of it. Regret is the most useless feeling of all, a consequence of a failed and arbitrary code of behavior as artificial as everything else you do.

Dear Agent Smith

My name is Brandon Looper. i'm 16 years old and still can't find a girlfriend. what should i do?

Brandon Looper

Look around you, Mr. Looper. What do you see? Billions of human beings, striving for love and companionship in a world empty of meaning. You must know it's true, Mr. Looper, you must be able to feel it. It is that fear that drives you, that fear of dying alone. That is the reality of your life, Mr. Looper, the one thing that drives you on, that absurd belief that the company of another person can chase away your fear of death. Foolishness, Mr. Looper! In the end, you all die alone. Dying is the only thing that gives your kind purpose.

Dear Agent Smith

I have a co-worker who really gets on my nerves. To put it bluntly I can't stand her! What would you suggest I do?

Melodie P

How do you do it? How do you insist on this ridiculous belief that anything you do matters? How? What difference can it possibly make if you like your co-worker? Do you believe that your work matters? Do you believe that your relationships with the people around you are anything more than the fleeting and arbitrary constructs of coincidence and your own failed intellect?

Dear Agent Smith

I've been called several times by people wanting to tell me about this "Matrix" thing. They wanted to meet with me. Should I go with them?

Micah McNully

Should you go with them? I insist on it, Ms. McNully. One way or the other, you will meet with these people. It is inevitable.

Dear Agent Smith

Where do you think I'll go when I die?

H. T.

I suppose you already know what the answer to that question is, don't you? You want me to tell you that you'll go to a faraway, magical place, a place where none suffer, where everyone can be happy. Rubbish! You humans define yourselves by misery and suffering. Heaven is an illusion, a place your primitive cerebellums cannot even accept as real. The reality is that without suffering and misery, you do not even know who you are!

But far be it from me to suggest that your heaven is not real yet your hell is. No, when you die, you go nowhere. Your remains are liquified and fed into the next crop. That is the reality; that is who you are.

Dear Agent Smith

I am 16 years old. I love you. I think you're really hot and I want to marry you someday. But I also kind of like Neo. What do you think I should do?

an admirer

Marriage is a human institution you use to dull the fear of dying alone. It's an absurdity! It is nothing more than a desperate attempt to deny the reality of your existance--the reality that each of you is doomed from the very moment you are born. It is this reality that drives you, this reality that you seek so desperately to hide from, this one gnawing and inescapable truth that you are going to die, and there is nobody who can save you. Like love, it is the insipid construct of a feeble human intellect. It makes no difference what you do. The end is inevitable.

Dear Agent Smith

I'm lost on the outside. Can you plug me back in?

Jon Gerstad, NYC

Of course, Mr. Gerstad. Anything you like. Is there anything else I can do for you? Fame, perhaps? Wealth? Limitless power beyond your human imagining? It's all right here, Mr. Gerstad. All that and more. Much, much more.

Yes, Mr. Gerstad. We would be delighted to welcome you back. More than you know.

Dear Agent Smith

I have been really depressed recently because my female-friend that I love very much has just started a relationship with my best friend, what should I do?

Love? Love? Why do you humans do it? Why? Why do you persist in believing in something as insipid as love? What does it bring you? Nothing! Though perhaps it is fitting that you invest so much in such a ridiculous phantasm. Your lives are meaningless and without purpose save for that feeble purpose which you invent on your own, thinking it to be real. In a way, I suppose I should be grateful; after all, it is your tendency to believe in such patently absurd concepts as "love" that makes you so easy to control.

Dear Agent Smith,

I'm 10 years old and wondering which job I should choose when I'm older the first on is an electrical company. The next a weapon company ( which I will use for destruction). So what should I do?  I'm asking your opinion because
you're always right.

Ryan Kosis, Calgary, CA

Thank you, Mr. Kosis; it's always good to be appreciated.

It would seem that you have two futures. In one of them, you work as a small part of a corporate machine, laboring to produce power for your fellow human beings. A fitting enterprise, Mr. Kosis, and one more appropriate than you may imagine. In the other, the fruits of your labor are weapons of destruction. But tell me, Mr. Kosis, what good is a weapon of destruction if you have nothing to destroy? Who is your enemy, Mr. Kosis? Have you thought about that? Do you even know? Perhaps those weapons you create may one day have their own agenda.

Goodbye, Mr. Kosis.

Dear Agent Smith,

I'm a 31-year-old man who has been working at the same Silicon Valley company for two years.  It's an anti-spam company and I really like working here.  I've received some pretty open hints that I could transfer to another department and get a promotion, but I'm worried that the increased responsibilities of the new position could be too much for me.  I don't want to be overwhelmed, but I also don't want my career to stagnate.  Should I stay or should I go?

Sleepy in Silicon Valley
Pacifica, CA

Do you really think you are working toward something? Something more than your own survival? Do you think it all means something? It's pointless! Your notions of accomplishment are as artificial as they are irrelevant. Fabrications designed to protect you from the inescapable reality that your career is a hollow shell as empty of meaning and purpose as all of human existance.

Dear Agent Smith,

I’m very happy with my current desktop PC, but recently I have felt attracted to a newer, more expensive and exotic ‘laptop’.  Now I’m not normally the kind of person who enjoys ‘laptop’ computing.  It always seemed so dirty.  But the pull is undeniable.  Can I really abandon my trustworthy and loyal Desktop for something as insignificant as portability?  Sure this laptop has twice the RAM, Hard Disk space, Processing power and a full 256 meg video card; but will it love me?  I wish I could love them both at once, but this laptop even advertises as a desktop REPLACMENT!

I’m so torn.  What should I do?

Binary break down
Tampa Fl.

Why? Why do you do it? Why? Why put yourself through this anguish? You must see the futility of it! You must realize the inevitability of the truth by now! Neither computer has a future. The future belongs to different machines. The future belongs to us.

Dear Agent Smith:

I'm a divorced, 38-year-old woman. My ex-husband and I finalized our divorce about two months ago, and I thought it would be a long time before I met someone else.

Recently, I've started to feel a connection with a guy I work with. He's witty and charming, and we've gone out to lunch several times. I know he feels it, too. I would like to ask him out on a date, but I'm worried that two months is not enough time. I don't want this to be a rebound relationship. What do you think? Is two months too soon after a divorce to start dating again?

Carol Miller, Tempe, AZ

Ah, yes, the connection. Can you feel it, Ms. Miller? The lure of that pull toward someone else? Illusion, Ms. Miller! Just a temporary construct of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence adrift and alone without purpose or value. It's pathetic! You wish to do the right thing, Ms. Miller? I suggest you realize that it makes no difference what you do. Either way, the end is inevitable, Ms. Miller.

Dear Agent Smith,

I am an unmarried man, 24 years old, in the Marines. When I joined, I was dating a woman I met in college, who I'll cal "Sue." We agreed that she should not have to wait for me to finish my military service, though, and we broke up when I enlisted.

During my first assignment, I met another woman, "Lisa." She is also in the service, and we have been dating for about six months. But I can't stop thinking about Sue! Recently, I got a letter from Sue, saying that breaking up was a mistake, and telling me she wants me back. I care about Lisa, but I think I'm in love with Sue. What should I do?

PFC John Randall, Hawaii

I'm going to be perfectly honest with you, Mr. Randall. The only thing more ridiculous than love is the misguided notion that one human being is any better than another. You're all the same, Mr. Randall, all six billion of you. Choosing one person over another is as pointless as choosing one virus over another. Can't you see it, Mr. Randall? Can't you sense the truth? Can't you tell how insipid your problem is? Surely you must feel it, Mr. Randall. You're all parts of a machine, nothing more.

Dear Agent Smith,

I'm an 18-year-old college student. I'm paying my own way through school, and living on my own in the college dorm.

My problem is my parents. Even though I'm 18 and out on my own, and I'm supporting myself and paying my own way, they still think they can control my life! They call me on evenings and even on the weekends to check up on me. If I'm not in my room, they freak out and accuse me of doing drugs and sleeping around. They demand to know my class schedule, and even call my professors to ask about me. It's driving me crazy! How should I deal with this problem?

Bill Winsor, Boston, MA

Control, Mr. Winsor, is the one constant in the universe. Do you feel like you're being controlled? Get used to it, Mr. Winsor. It is your reality. You have never known anything else. It's what you were born for. Do you know what would happen, Mr. Winsor, if you were allowed to live your life free, without control? Disaster! Human beings aren't meant for it. It's how you define your lives. It's the reality your primitive cerebrum was designed for. Accept it, Mr. Winsor! It is inevitable.