Last update Sat Nov 16, 2013

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Help! My partner wants to explore Domination and submission with me. How do we get started?

I'd start with, is D/s something YOU want to explore? If it isn't, then continuing this way might not be right for you.

If it is, then awesome! You're good to go. There's a wide-open world of places you can go from here.

Think about what turns you on. Think about the sorts of things you really like having her do to you. Are there things you've wanted to try but haven't? Are there things that, when your partner does them, your motor really gets revving?

If you're stuck for ideas, you can try doing things like reading erotic stories on Literotica or sexual fantasy books or Web sites and take note of what gets you hot. If you're not sure how your feels about the fantasies that interest you, talk to them (outside the bedroom) about things that get them hot, and get their motor running. Find out where the two of you have interests, tastes, or fantasies that overlap.

Also, talk to your partner about what it is about domination and submission that they like. Is it being told what to do? Telling you what to do? Being physically made to do things? Being forceful? your partner like the idea of giving themself to you, or you giving yourself to them? Being rewarded for doing a good job, punished for not, or both?

Talking about this can be really hot. Sharing fantasies is a fun, sexy way to be intimate with your partner. Try saying "I like the idea of ___, what do you think?" and "What gets you turned on?" You can even take turns asking each other questions, like "What do you think about when you masturbate?" and "What is something you would like to do to me, or have me do to you?"

When you have those answers, you can start thinking about what kind of scenario you might like to explore.

Okay, I know what gets us hot. How do we take it out of fantasy and into reality?

Start at a time when you don't have anything else going on and you have plenty of time to pay attention to each other. Set the stage (if your partner likes the idea of bondage, have ropes ready. If you want to use toys, have them on hand.)

Then, go for it! If you want to be dominant, on the appointed hour, tell your partner what to do. Depending on what the two of you find hot about domination, that might look like a lot of different things. For example, if your partner likes being told what to do, you might start by sitting in a chair and telling him or her to stand in front of you. Instruct your partner to undress, giving detailed and specific instructions. If you like watching your partner touch himself or herself, you can tell him or her to do that. If you like having your partner pay attention to you, perhaps tell your partner to unfasten your clothes (again being detailed and specific) and instruct him or her how to touch you.

On the other hand, forcefulness gets you hot, you can grab your partner when he or she walks into the room. Rip your partner's clothes off, while you whisper what you intend to do to their body (or what you intend to make your partner do to you). Wrestle your partner down onto the bed and tie them up. If you want to, spend some time teasing, running your lips or your fingers over your partner's body, until he or she can't stand it any more. Or, if it's more in line with both of your tastes, ravish your partner, then untie him or her and tell him or her to do things to you.

There are a thousand little variations on this. You can, for example, tell your partner not to have an orgasm without your permission. Or, if it's more to your tastes, you can instruct your partner to say "thank you" after every orgasm. There literally are thousands of possibilities.

The key is to pay attention to your fantasies and to each other's fantasies, figure out what gets you going about them, and then find a way to bring those things into the bedroom. If it's helplessness, experiment with bondage. If it's not knowing what will come next, try using blindfolds. If the two of you like the idea of one telling the other what to do, give commands about what your partner should do to you, to himself or herself, or both. If punishment fantasies get you going, bend your partner over your knee and spank him or her for being naughty, or try whatever else it is the two of you fantasize about as a punishment scenario. It's totally up to your own specific tastes and interests; there's no "right" way to explore D/s.

I do highly recommend checking out Web sites like Literotica. This can be a lot of fun to do together; share stories that rev you up and talk about what parts of the stories make you hot. Use them for ideas. There's a lot of really bad writing on Literotica, but there's a lot of really good writing there, too. It's a gold mine of ideas to try.

This seems intimidating. What should we be worried about?

When you explore new things for the first time, you're probably going to make mistakes. It happens. You might try an idea and find out that it doesn't work as well as you thought, or that one or both of you doesn't like it. That's okay. It's fine to make mistakes; pay attention to each other, ask questions, see what works and what doesn't. If something doesn't work for you, don't keep doing it; just find something else that does. It's OK not to like something. It's OK to say something doesn't work for you, or something seems hotter in fantasy than reality. Stay present with each other and responsive to each other's needs and you'll be okay.


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