This page came about as a result of an email I received from my BDSM for Nice Guys page. The email came from a clearly quite distressed woman who had this to say:
Bdsm is an excuse to be violent towards women and it’s fucking disgusting and pisses me off as to how normalized it is. Your “ bdsm for nice guys” bullshit is just grooming normal men into desiring violent disgusting acts towards their girlfriends, and I find it fucking ironic how the “bdsm guide for nice girls” isn’t even fucking available. It’s not even a deal web page. This entire thing is just a guide on how to harm women, because that’s all this entire space cares about. No wonder there are barely any submissive males. It’s only about female submission and degradation
Theres no webpage designed like yours but with the gender roles reversed. The second you look up “Bdsm for nice girls” on the internet, it’s just porn videos of women being treated like fucking animals. Like the role a woman plays is already pre assumed. But when you look up “bdsm for nice guys”, you instead get manuals like yours on how to subject women to these acts of violence.
It’s true that most BDSM guides are written for men, but I think it was rather bold of this person to assume that women into BDSM are always the submissive partners. Regardless, since I’m a man, I don’t feel qualified to address kink from a woman’s perspective.
Fortunately, Dr. Jenny Hale volunteered to step up and write this guide. Dr. Hale has doctorates in Psychology and Education. She works as a researcher, trainer and mentor in emotional intelligence and communication, and has over 25 years of experience building community in polyamorous, D/s, and sacred sexuality communities. You can find more of her writings here.
So you're a good woman. You think that people should be treated with respect and courtesy; you find violence, particularly domestic violence, reprehensible; you would never, under any circumstances, raise your hand in anger against someone you love. And now your partner is asking you to tie him up, or call him names, or spank him, or maybe even dress him up in women’s clothing and "rape" him with a strap-on. All this goes against everything you believe. What do you do?
Or maybe you secretly fantasize about being overpowered and “raped” (safely, of course, by someone who loves you), or the idea of being put across his lap and spanked gets you instantly wet … are you a traitor to your eglitarian ideals? What does it mean for your belief in the dignity and value of womanhood if you have these “dark secrets” in your fantasy life? And what would it mean if you were to talk about it out loud with a partner?
For starters, it's not what you think.
The first thing to do is to understand, deep down inside, that it's possible to do these things and still be a good person. While some of these things may superficially resemble abuse, there's an important difference; unlike an abuser, you are doing these things because you both enjoy them, and you're doing them in a way that is safe, consensual, and respectful of the submissive partner’s limits and desires.
One way to think about it is that you're playing a role. A person who plays a villain on TV is not actually a villain; and if you and your partner play out roles for your mutual enjoyment, it doesn't mean anyone is being abusive. You and your partner can play out roles in which you are harsh and demanding and he is your sex slave, he is demanding and you are his slave, and this does not mean that you actually believe women should be subordinate to men, or men are trash and deserve to be treated poorly.
But I was always taught to treat everyone with respect!
There is nothing wrong or disrespectful about treating people the way they want to be treated.
Even if the way they want to be treated is not what you're accustomed to.
Not everyone has the same desires, wants, or needs. Treating your partner with respect means treating your partner the way they want to be treated--even if that means they want you to treat them like a dirty little minx sometimes. Seriously--if your partner is approaching you with the idea of exploring BDSM, then most likely, there is some part of them which responds very strongly to filling that role.
What kind of person enjoys doing these things?
There is a big caveat to make here, because some people are attracted to BDSM for other reasons than mutual enjoyment.
Some people hear “dominance and submission” and think to themselves, “Finally! A chance to get my sexual satisfaction without all that pesky checking in and considering the pleasure of the other person”. Some people get psychological satisfaction from coercing others, and even inside a consensual BDSM agreement, they will push boundaries and deliberately make their submissive unhappy because it boosts their ego and makes them feel powerful.
This is not the right person to experiment with!
If your desire is to be submissive, to be someone’s sex slave or sexual servant, then you need to exercise the utmost discrimination in choosing the person you will trust to dominate you. If your desire is to dominate your partner, then you need to exercise the utmost discrimination in assessing your own capabilities and getting the right mentors who can ensure you are practising safely.
Done in the right way, exploring your fantasies and your partner's fantasies, creates a deep intimacy that's hard to beat. This kind of exploration, and sharing of fantasies and sexual feelings, helps form a bond of intimacy and trust that's at once more romantic and more passionate than you may believe.
Done in the wrong way, BDSM can trigger old traumas or even create new ones. It’s a high stakes game, but the rewards are worth it.
What makes a good dominant?
When someone is in the dominant role, they are taking on the full responsibility for the wellbeing of both people in the dynamic. With great power comes great responsibility.
- Good at reading body language - when people drop into a submissive role, they can sometimes find it difficult to summon the right words with enough speed when something isn’t right. (And, of course, they might be gagged!) A good dominant is constantly monitoring the state of the submissive’s nervous system, making sure they are in the enjoyable range, not going into fight-or-flight, or freezing, or getting bored, or distracted. If in doubt, pause the games and check in.
- Good at making (and remembering) clear and comprehensive agreements - a good dominant will know exactly where her submissive’s hard and soft limits are. Hard limits are “absolutely not under any circumstances”, and soft limits are “not this session, but you can tease close to the edge and see how I respond, and maybe in a later session this limit might move”.
- Genuinely devoted to the highest good for the submissive partner - the dominant role is a SERVICE role. You might be making them do things they don’t want to do, or causing them pain, but you are doing it for their own good. You are allowed to enjoy it, of course, and you should keep the action in areas that you genuinely enjoy, but never at the expense of the submissive. They are trusting you to enjoy yourself without damaging them, and that needs to be your highest priority: first, do no harm.
- Clear and confident with their own boundaries - sometimes, a submissive will try to manipulate or push the dominant to do specific things the submissive wants (this is called “topping from the bottom”, and is particularly prevalent with men who say they want to submit to a woman). It is very important for the psychological safety of both partners that it is absolutely impossible for the submissive to control the dynamic. The submissive must not be able to make the dominant do things the dominant doesn’t really want to do. The dominant must hold firm to only doing things they choose to do (given, of course, that they have the goal of the highest good for both partners).
- Welcoming of feedback - it is critical that a dominant can absorb information from a submissive and respond positively, even if the information comes awkwardly expressed or loaded with emotion. Keeping the lines of communication open is absolutely imperative, so if a dominant reacts badly to any suggestion that something wasn’t done perfectly, the power exchange relationship won’t last long.
As you can see, stepping into the dominant role is likely to require some personal growth, especially if you were socialised female in a patriarchy!
Remember, you are doing this for his highest good, not for selfish reasons, so it’s totally fine to firmly refuse to satisfy any one of his cherished lifelong fantasies, or to refuse to play with him at all until his attitude is corrected. It is better for him in the long run to learn to genuinely submit than for you to cave in, do something you don’t want to do, cheat him of his submission experience, and leave yourself feeling icky afterward.
Most men have watched a lot of porn and are full of ideas about how you will act out their domme fantasies for them, and your first job as a dominant will be to tell him that’s NOT happening. He submits to YOUR desires, or it’s not really submission, is it?
(Remembering that you must always assess your desires against what is in the best interests of all concerned before acting on them, of course.)
What makes a good submissive?
In the submissive role, you are responsible for your own wellbeing, and you are NOT responsible for the dominant’s experience in any way, shape, or form.
- Independent - it might seem counterintuitive, but the only way for a dominant to be truly safe to experiment is if the submissive is capable of using their safeword and ending the scene at any moment, even if it might disappoint the dominant. As soon as the dominant suspects that the submissive might stay quiet and endure something damaging, the dominant needs to become hypervigilant to the level of a therapist, instead of being able to relax and enjoy themselves. Domination becomes hard work, risky and stressful, if the submissive is not able to take care of themselves and assert their own boundaries.
- Self-aware - the submissive needs to understand themselves, their limits, their traumas, their desires, and their quirks. The dominant may be able to explore that territory during sessions, but the more solo work the submissive has done on that front, the more the dominant can relax and trust what the submissive says about themselves.
- Genuinely willing to submit - a large number of people THINK they want to submit, but what they actually want is a sexy experience that follows their own pre-written script. This is the kind of approach that works if you are a paying client of a sex worker, but totally does NOT work in a relationship. Submission requires allowing the dominant to write the script, and trusting that whatever they choose to do will be in your best interests, even if it’s not what you wanted at the time.
- Good at communication - the dominant partner needs a lot of information about the submissive’s experience and inner world if they are to calibrate and tailor the best experience for both parties. The submissive needs to be able to volunteer that information, not just wait to be asked, and they need to be able to find the right words to help the dominant understand how they responded to a scene and what they need now.
As you can imagine, most folk who were socialised male in a patriarchy will find themselves on a rapid personal growth journey if they want to be able to truly submit.
Male socialisation in patriarchy is male-centered - the female members of society accommodate and adapt to the male members in ways that are completely invisible to males, which leads them to expect their wants and needs to be centered at all times. When they imagine “being submissive”, they imagine being the center of attention for a hot, sexy dominant, who wants nothing else but to tease and torment them in all the ways they fantasize about.
When this doesn’t happen, they may act out in the ways that men act out whenever they aren’t centered - pouting, whining, manipulation, anger and withdrawal.
If you are a dominant with a submissive who was raised male, you will need to be extremely strict about “topping from the bottom”, entitlement, tantrums, and bratty behavior. Simply end the session the moment any of these show up, explain why, and decide whether you want to give him a short time out and let him try again, or pack up for the day and make him wait until the next session.
A female submissive may also act out in these ways, so if you are in a same-gender D/s relationship, you will still need to be vigilant and maintain disciplined adherence to the agreed roles.
What if neither of us has any experience?
If you’re in a monogamous relationship and you don’t want to involve anyone else, you’ll have to learn together.
As with most things, you begin simply. Sex in general and BDSM in particular are learned skills; like all learned skills, you learn by doing. Start slow, learn what you and your partner like and don't like, and elaborate on the things you learn as you go along.
The best way to get started exploring BDSM is by talking to your partner. Discuss your fantasies and their fantasies; don't worry about whether or not those fantasies are things you would really explore or not, or even if they're things that are plausible or feasible. You're just talking about the things that turn you on, no matter how outlandish or how kinky they may be. Don't be timid, embarrassed, or ashamed, even of fantasies that seem extreme or frightening; these are fantasies, after all, not reality. Even extreme fantasies that you would never consider doing in real life can provide ideas or suggestions about places to explore, or things that turn you on!
Let's say, for example, that your partner has fantasies about being tied up and anally penetrated. You can start to explore by trying some light bondage or restraint; no need to go all-out, just start by holding him down or tying his arms with ordinary rope. If things go well, you may discover that you want to go farther next time, or you may come up with new ideas to try. And who knows? You may just find that it really turns you on...
At this point, it's probably worthwhile to discuss a few general guidelines as you start exploring this stuff. Some things to remember:
• Don’t feel that you have to try everything all at once. Don't do too much, too fast. You have plenty of time! You're exploring what turns you on, what turns your partner on, and what you can create together; it's far better to end a scene thinking you could have gone farther than ending a scene thinking you've gone too far!
• Talk to your partner after you’re done, especially when you've tried something new. Spend some time talking about how you felt, how they felt, what turned you on, and what things you might want to explore later. Remember, whenever you try anything new, you will sometimes find things that you or your partner respond to in ways you didn't expect. You may even find that something you thought you'd like, or something he thought he'd like, triggers a negative reaction that you didn't anticipate. There's nothing wrong with that; you're exploring. By definition, when you explore, you don't always know what you'll find! If you discover something that you don't like, or that didn't go the way you expected, it's okay; you've learned from it, and now you have greater knowledge about how to please yourself and your partner.
• There’s nothing wrong with taking pleasure from dominating your partner. If you find that you respond to taking charge in the bedroom, and your partner responds to being dominated, great! You're both happy; enjoy yourselves! Besides, it's much more fun to submit to a person who enjoys being dominant. It works both ways; you can take pleasure from teasing your partner, and he can take pleasure from pleasing you.
• The greatest asset you have is a sense of self-confidence. It doesn't matter if you don't think you know what you're doing, or if things don't always go the way you wanted them to; it doesn't matter if you're uncertain about something you're trying. All this is normal. What does matter is that the dominant partner can project an air of confidence and control; just this alone can get you through a number of problems. Forget something? Something not working right? Smile and keep going anyway; chances are, they'll never even notice.
Remember, while you are in session, you're playing a role; just like an actor onstage who might forget a line but can’t stop the performance, project confidence, do something logical as a next step and you'll do just fine. (Side note - playing improv theatre games can really help with having confidence in moments of uncertainty!)
• Keep your eyes open and your common sense sharp. The best single safety tool you have is your common sense. Watch for problems; don't leave someone tied up unattended, don't try devices or gadgets on your partner if you don't have a sense of how they feel yourself. And remember that the vagina is much tougher and better lubricated than the anus, so you can’t just transfer techniques from one to the other and expect them to feel the same.
But I still don't know what to do!
If your partner hasn’t given you a rundown of his darkest desires already, start by asking him about his fantasies. Remember, you don’t have to do ANY of what he says (even if you are the submissive) - you are just getting a sense of what he finds hot.
It’s very important that you listen without judging. Sexual fantasies are some of the most intensely vulnerable things we can share, and people don’t get to choose their kinks. People can be turned on by just about anything - some examples from real people I have worked with include fetishes for balloons, jello, being peed on, electric shocks, medical procedures like having a canula inserted, and being verbally humiliated.
Of course, if you don’t have a fetish for something, including that thing in sexual play is very UNsexy, so it’s really important that you get to know your partner’s specific sexual fantasy landscape.
Here are some ideas that appeal to a lot of people that you can start with, even if you don’t have full information on your partner’s darkest fantasies:
- If you want to explore bondage, the easiest way to do this is with plain old cotton or nylon rope. Nylon stockings and silk scarves can cause problems, because they tend to bunch and be difficult to untie. You can tie your partner to the bed, to a chair, or simply bind his hands behind his back. Once you have him bound, you can go in a number of different directions. For example, you can kneel over him and tell him to service you with her mouth, or you can penetrate him with your fingers or a dildo (with sufficient preparation and lubrication, of course). Or, you might try sensation play, running your hands or ice cubes or soft cloth or things like that over his body. Blindfolding him can make these sensations more intense. You can add a little bit of light pain play to the mix by pinching, pulling, or twisting his nipples, running your fingernails over his skin, and things like that. Biting his scrotum, teasing him with tongue or fingers, and that sort of thing can be a lot of fun too.
- For introductory pain play, spanking, pinching, and biting can be good ways to begin. You might bend him over your lap, or--for a bit more fun--tie him down bent over the bed. You can combine this with roleplaying if you like; perhaps he's a naughty student and you're the disciplining teacher, for example. You can spank him with your hands, a paddle, or even a wooden spoon. Start with light, rapid strokes, and gradually increase the force until you find his limit. Remember, if you start light and build up gradually, you can get those endorphins going, which is exciting and intoxicating!
- Give him instructions to do things that excite or arouse you. For example, have him provide additional stimulation while you touch yourself, for as long as you want. You can be as detailed as you want, instructing him how and where to touch you, and how hard, and how fast, and in what way; you may even enjoy instructing him to moan and sigh as he does. This is one time where you can really lean into the long, slow buildup, knowing that he is enjoying suffering through the extended tease. Take it up a notch by telling him how wet your pussy is getting, and reminding him how much he wishes he could plunge in and feel those muscles gripping and releasing … or, if talking distracts you, ignore his presence entirely so you can maximise your enjoyment. This is all about you, so really lean in and make sure you make the most of it!
- If you run out of ideas, try doing things you've done before, but in a new way or with a new element, or combined with other things you've done. If he has a thing for chastity, have him try a few devices and then lock him up while you tease him. Or, make him touch himself as he watches himself in a mirror. If you enjoy having him give you oral sex, try tying his hands behind his back and then having him kneel in front of you. The possibilities for combining even simple, basic ideas in novel ways are endless; by doing this, you can keep things new and exciting all the time.
Remember: You're doing this to have fun, to share yourself and your fantasies with your partner, to make your sexual lives more exciting and dynamic, and to increase your pleasure and your partner's pleasure. There's no right or wrong way to do it. Have fun! Experiment! Be creative! And above all, enjoy yourselves!